Some old writing

Guess Who's Back?

It's been a while.  Lots has happened. Big changes,  in and out. One thing that remains is my struggle to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I've been sick with the flu for almost 3 weeks and finally feel like myself again. So today I took a big step. Well, a couple thousand steps, actually. I ordered lunch from a spot down the street, a place I've ordered from many times.  I'd  hop in my car, drive the half mile down the hill, then the half mile back up, and not think twice about it. For some reason today, maybe the gorgeous weather after all the rain we've had,  maybe my fitbit beeping and buzzing at me to get my steps in,  whatever it was that inspired it,  I decided I was going to walk it. It may not sound like far for many people, but for me, I was almost laughing at myself as I took off on foot down the hill. Am I going to have to call my coworker to come and get me? But somewhere inside of me,  the fuel was lit, and I knew that I'd make it there and back,  and that I'd be doing it again sometime very soon.
Now, downhill was easy.  Easy peasy. Uphill, not so much.  My chest was pounding, my heartrate was up, which is an unfamiliar feeling to my body that it needs to get used to. My lungs struggled to take in air, my feet burned...but I was doing it.  Step by step by step. And I know it will be easier next time.  And even easier the time after that.  And someday I'll get to the point where I won't even think twice about it.  But damn it, today I'm proud of the fact that I started.

Will you?

I was in the same relationship from the age of 18 until a couple of years ago when my husband and I separated.
I've been dating on and off and was asked the question by a friend...

"What are you looking for? "

What am I looking for? 
I couldn't think of what to say.

I hung up the phone and then the words I am posting below are what came out of me,  flowed right onto the paper.

I'm looking for the person who "will".

"Will you look me in the eye when we meet for the first time?

Will you ask about...and really want to know...who I am?

How I am? 

Why I am?

Will you be willing to share the same things with me about yourself?

 Will you talk to me about anything? 

And everything? 

And sometimes nothing at all?

Will you listen to me when I talk?

 Will you laugh with me-or at me-and my often offbeat sense of humor?

 Will you take me out to dinner? 

To the movies?

To a cheesy karaoke bar?

On a drive to nowhere at all? 

Will you eat popcorn with me when we stay in and cuddle up to watch tv on the couch...or in bed?

 Will you let me cook for you, maybe your favorite food or something that you have never tried before?

 Will you hold my hand?

And kiss me?

Soft and tender and hard and passionate and hot...

 Will you crave me and my curves, eventually getting to know each one of them first with your eyes... then your hands and mouth?

Will you let me explore yours?

 Will you share your fantasies with me and want to know mine as well?

 Will you play with my hair and rub my back or legs or feet just because you know how good it feels and how much I like it?

Will you let me know what makes you comforted and happy?

Will you let me do nice things for you, just because?

 Will you help me find “things” that I never even knew I liked or needed and would have put on this list if I knew they had been missing from my life?

 Will you introduce me to your friends?

Your family?

 
Will you respect me?

 
Will you appreciate the fact that I seek out the positive in even the direst of situations?

 
Will you teach me?

Learn from me? 

Learn with me?

 
Will you promise to never dull my sparkle and accept that I will never try to dull yours?

Will you?"

I'm baaaack!

Much more to come.  Lots of things brewing.

It Gets Easier, Right?

Just...(pant)...finished...(breath)...FIVE...(pant)....minutesonthe...(pant)...(breath)....elliptical.

It gets easier.....right....(pant)?

My heart hurts. 

I will never again see the mischievous chuckle you would make after something funny but naughty was said. 

The coy smile when you were reminiscing about walking up to Tom Selleck at a restaurant & giving him a big hug. 
Or the proud way you would announce your age when asked (93!).
 
I'll never feel your warm, soft skin as your hand grasps mine, or hear the sweet sound of "hello, dolly" that I was always greeted with.  

I'll miss you quietly singing the theme song to CSI with my dad whenever it came on.

I'll miss seeing the excitement in your eyes when you saw that we were having some type of corn for dinner, and in your last few weeks, the ice cream that you enjoyed and comforted you so much.

I will laugh at memories of you describing a great meal as "best I ever had, hanging off the plate". 

I'll miss you cheering for Siena & The Lakers, reading your "bibles"-The Enquirer and The Star magazines-and dishing about the latest celebrity scandals, and tsk tsking the trampy starlets on tv ("Well, she thinks she's hot shit") and ogling the cute guys.

I will miss making gravy with you on Thanksgiving and stuffing the calamari with you on Christmas Eve.  We were a great team and had it perfected.
 
I'll miss so many things about you, but I am not complaining.


I was blessed with 38 years of the most wonderful grandmother I could ever ask for. You have filled my life with so many wonderful things, accepted me as I am, loved me unconditionally, given me everything you could & then gave some more.


 You have taught me the importance of generosity, a good sense of humor, and towards the end, patience. 
 
As a child you were always there with hugs & kisses, long beautiful fingernails to scratch my back & put me to sleep, and a napkin-wrapped piece of candy or confection smuggled from work in your purse for us. 

You sat through endless shows & pageants that my childhood friends and I would put on for you when you'd babysit...eat crazy concoctions Paulie & I would make up when we played restaurant...endure my picking and poking at your hair when I would play hair salon. 


You taught my teenage friends and I how to play poker before it was an "in" thing to do, took us all to BINGO, embraced Patrick, and all of my friends throughout my life, accepted their diversity and loved them like you were their Nonny, too.

And if any of it wasn't easy for you, or you didn't want to do it, it never showed. You were always an enthusiastic participant in our everyday lives & I can never thank you enough for that. 

And I am grateful for every moment that I got to spend with you, especially in these last few weeks.  I know that I could not do much to take away your pain but I know that you found comfort in the flowers and pictures that we decorated your room with, the ice cream that we brought you when you asked (even when it was 4 times in one day!), rubbed your head, held your hands, and in your last moments, gathered around you with the rest of the family and rubbed your leg as you took your last breath.
 
And I will miss you until the day I take mine.

When that time comes I hope that I have touched as many people in as many wonderful ways as you have.



I love you forever and I want you to know you will always be my Nonny.  

More or Less

Things I need more of in my life:
-writing
-tea
-mindfulness
-music
-sex
-apples
-walks
-nature
-ocean
-parties
-friend time
-swimming
-bravery
-watermelon 
-pedicures
-gardening
-healing
-foot rubs
-dancing
-serenity 
-glittery things
-PEACE


Things I need less of in my life:
-auto-pilot living
-fear
-pain
-sugar
-insecurity
-guilt
-toxic people
-anxiety
-sandwiches


(I should probably add Facebook to the 'Less of' but I won't.  I'm an addict...I know.)