Monster High Pumpkin

This is the Monster High pumpkin we made this year.

Thanks to this website for the great template!

 http://www.cartoonjr.com/monster-high-pumpkin-carving-patterns/monster-high-templates/

ISO GBF

In high school, at any given time, you would have found me with a boy on my arm.
Sometimes two, sometimes more...but always, always with the boy joined at the hip.
No, I wasn't a floozy, or super popular, or hot...I was the token fag hag.
These 'boys' were my Gay Best Friends.
Sure, some of them were ex-boyfriends (They dressed impeccably!  They smelled nice!  They were sensitive!) who had tried to play it straight, but that, of course, wasn't destined to work out.
What did work out was our friendship.
We talked about boys (and girls), love, sex, music, wine coolers,  hair product, life in general...we went to every school dance, spent the summers together, got into trouble together (or tried not to).

It made for a wonderful, fun-filled, fabulously memorable high school experience, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
I embraced and was proud of my fag hag tag...I took it as a compliment.
I had other best friends, both male and female, and they were great friendships as well.
But, alas, my heart belonged to my boys.
I had other boyfriends back then, and they were pretty much forced to accept my love for my GBF's, and luckily they did.

I am happy to say that I am still in touch with "the boys",  who have now grown into handsome and lovely men, and they are still a very important part of my adult life.  Too many thousand miles separate me from them, and I would give anything to have one of them closer.

Adult friendships obviously aren't the same as the ones we had in high school (thank goodness), it's just not feasible with husbands and families...but over the years I have found myself longing for another Gay Best Friend.

There was something about those friendships that have left a little space in my heart that has been empty for a long time.
Those who know me well shouldn't be surprised or offended by this...I adore each and every one of of my friends, and am grateful for the many far and wide that I do have.  I wouldn't trade one of them for anything, as they all have special places in my life and in my heart. 


But if there are any GBFs ISO a former fabulous fag hag, I am your girl.  Woman.  Whatever. :)

It's Not Easy Being Green

But hopefully it will get easier and easier.

Today I had my first green smoothie for breakfast.

I used frozen strawberries, a splash of vanilla soy milk, a container of Chobani plain flavor, 1/2 a banana, and a handful of spinach.  I added some fat free milk to make it easier to blend, and I actually threw in some apple slices to sweeten it up a little.

I drank about half of it, and it was actually very good and satisfying.

It gave me energy and it really made me feel great.

I am looking forward to trying another one tomorrow.

I bought some different fruits to try out with it tomorrow.

DO IT

I have been thinking a lot today about diets, and health, and food and nutrition in general.

I am trying to figure out why I will be on a roll for a while, doing great, feeling good, eating healthy and exercising, and then BOOM!  

It's like someone just flipped the switch, and despite my best efforts I can't get back on track.

I have been over 200 lbs since I was 12...I have the medical records to prove it.

This means that I have in one way or another been trying to lose weight or change my eating habits for 25 years.

25 years.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, 6 Week Body Makeover, Slimfast, Medifast, Atkins, nutritionists, advice (solicited or not) from friends, family, and strangers alike...I have tried it all, and most of them work...for a little while, anyway.

I need to take what I can from these 25 years of experience...yes, experience, not failures, and figure out what will ultimately work for me.

I don't want to be thin...I probably will never be.

I adore my curves...I just want less of them.

I want to feel better than I do now, be able to physically do things that I want to,  but I also want to still be able to enjoy food and cooking.

Moderation is one thing that has brought me success.  I can try to focus on that.

I am not one for 'all or nothing'...the second I know something is 'off-limits' you can bet I will be craving and dreaming, yes, actually dreaming about eating it.

Baby steps...they don't make the pounds come off like on Biggest Loser, but that's not necessarily healthy, either.

I also have found that when I try and incorporate more fruits and veggies into my day, I don't even have the appetite for any of the unhealthier things that get me into trouble.

Moving...exercise, walking, dancing, Wii-fitting, whatever it is...all very important.

Writing...in a food journal, blogging on here...part of my New Years plan and has been helpful in the past.

And last but not least...Breathing...mindful breathing, whether it is through meditation, my self hypnosis CD or 3 x 3 breathing...I have to do it.

I have to do it.

So do it.

DO IT!

Random things that come to mind at this very moment

Let's see...I am in desperate need of a pedicure.

Words With Friends is freaking addictive.

I am seriously thinking about getting a tattoo at some point.

It will be small, heart shaped, and I will design it.

I need a good old cozy rainy day sometime soon.

I am currently in the middle of reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

(This is not the reason for my wanting a tattoo.)

I need to see more movies with Ryan Gosling in them.

ASAP.

I miss my coworkers.

I miss my NY/back east peeps.

And now, I must go to sleep.

DNR

My grandmother, aka Nonny, has been in the hospital since yesterday.

Her blood pressure went too low and she almost passed out.

She will be 93 one month from today.

She's feeling better now, and they are not sure exactly what's wrong, but they are keeping her for some tests.

She's survived cancer, strokes, and a slew of other health issues, but she is still kickin' and doing great.

The point of my mentioning all of this is that the doctor came in and was talking to my mom (her caregiver) and Nonny about Advanced Directives and DNR.  

My grandmother is not someone who likes to talk about death and what will happen after she goes, so it has been very difficult to get answers out of her as to what her wishes are.  

My mom made a good point in saying that it is already going to be a tough time if a situation arises when a DNR would be necessary, and having the pressure to make the decision for another person is far too emotional and stressful for her.

Also, what if you made that decision for someone, and then spent forever wondering if you had made the right choice?

If everyone could at least have a simple conversation with the people close to them to let their wishes be known, it could be so much less heartache at a time that is filled with enough of it already.

Most people I know don't like to talk about death...hell, I don't like to talk about it!

But I am going to sit down and have the conversation anyway.

I'm young (ish), but anything can happen, and it would bring me a sense of peace to know that my family had no question about my wishes.

Nonny and my mother are going to have the hospital take care of all of the paperwork before she is discharged.  

I encourage everyone to look at the site below, or at least have a conversation about this with their loved ones.

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289

Breathe

Ken Goodman | Stress Free — Guided Exercises and Meditations for Total Relaxation | CD Baby

For the 'breathe' part of my New Year's resolution, I am going to focus on relaxation, meditation, and self hypnosis exercises from the CDs I have from my therapist.
He has helped me help myself through some very difficult times over the past few years, and I think that is the key to why it has actually worked for me.
He has taught me tools that I can implement myself when I need to.
I used to see him weekly, now it is every few months or so, or if I am having a particularly hard time.
He reminds me of some of the tools I may have forgotten about, and gets me back on track again.
When I first started seeing him, I was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks out of the blue, and it was very much affecting my quality of life.

He suggested the above CD, and I was willing to try.
It took a lot of practice and patience to be able to slip into the exercises easily, just as it would with physical exercises.
My mind would wander, and I would have to redirect my thoughts.
I would easily be distracted by things or sounds around me.
But he told me, and tells you on the CD, to just keep doing it, keep practicing.
So I did.
And before I knew it, I could finally relax.
I could calm myself if I felt anxious.
I could fall asleep instead of tossing and turning all night.
My life was changing. I was in control.
Now it is a few years later, and while I still do the exercises from time to time, I know that I am not getting the most out of it.
I need to do it daily, to take the time out for myself to breathe, tune out the rest of the world, and just be.
The wonderful thing about this particular CD is that there are several different types of exercises, with explanations and instructions for each of them.
Some of them are fairly short, for when I need "a quick burst of relaxation", and some of them are longer, for those times when I can really take a chunk of time to work on myself.

I am to the point now where I can tell exactly which one I need when I am feeling a certain way.


I am ready to make me a priority and do these meditation and relaxation exercises daily.