It's Not Easy Being Green

But hopefully it will get easier and easier.

Today I had my first green smoothie for breakfast.

I used frozen strawberries, a splash of vanilla soy milk, a container of Chobani plain flavor, 1/2 a banana, and a handful of spinach.  I added some fat free milk to make it easier to blend, and I actually threw in some apple slices to sweeten it up a little.

I drank about half of it, and it was actually very good and satisfying.

It gave me energy and it really made me feel great.

I am looking forward to trying another one tomorrow.

I bought some different fruits to try out with it tomorrow.

DO IT

I have been thinking a lot today about diets, and health, and food and nutrition in general.

I am trying to figure out why I will be on a roll for a while, doing great, feeling good, eating healthy and exercising, and then BOOM!  

It's like someone just flipped the switch, and despite my best efforts I can't get back on track.

I have been over 200 lbs since I was 12...I have the medical records to prove it.

This means that I have in one way or another been trying to lose weight or change my eating habits for 25 years.

25 years.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, 6 Week Body Makeover, Slimfast, Medifast, Atkins, nutritionists, advice (solicited or not) from friends, family, and strangers alike...I have tried it all, and most of them work...for a little while, anyway.

I need to take what I can from these 25 years of experience...yes, experience, not failures, and figure out what will ultimately work for me.

I don't want to be thin...I probably will never be.

I adore my curves...I just want less of them.

I want to feel better than I do now, be able to physically do things that I want to,  but I also want to still be able to enjoy food and cooking.

Moderation is one thing that has brought me success.  I can try to focus on that.

I am not one for 'all or nothing'...the second I know something is 'off-limits' you can bet I will be craving and dreaming, yes, actually dreaming about eating it.

Baby steps...they don't make the pounds come off like on Biggest Loser, but that's not necessarily healthy, either.

I also have found that when I try and incorporate more fruits and veggies into my day, I don't even have the appetite for any of the unhealthier things that get me into trouble.

Moving...exercise, walking, dancing, Wii-fitting, whatever it is...all very important.

Writing...in a food journal, blogging on here...part of my New Years plan and has been helpful in the past.

And last but not least...Breathing...mindful breathing, whether it is through meditation, my self hypnosis CD or 3 x 3 breathing...I have to do it.

I have to do it.

So do it.

DO IT!

Random things that come to mind at this very moment

Let's see...I am in desperate need of a pedicure.

Words With Friends is freaking addictive.

I am seriously thinking about getting a tattoo at some point.

It will be small, heart shaped, and I will design it.

I need a good old cozy rainy day sometime soon.

I am currently in the middle of reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

(This is not the reason for my wanting a tattoo.)

I need to see more movies with Ryan Gosling in them.

ASAP.

I miss my coworkers.

I miss my NY/back east peeps.

And now, I must go to sleep.

DNR

My grandmother, aka Nonny, has been in the hospital since yesterday.

Her blood pressure went too low and she almost passed out.

She will be 93 one month from today.

She's feeling better now, and they are not sure exactly what's wrong, but they are keeping her for some tests.

She's survived cancer, strokes, and a slew of other health issues, but she is still kickin' and doing great.

The point of my mentioning all of this is that the doctor came in and was talking to my mom (her caregiver) and Nonny about Advanced Directives and DNR.  

My grandmother is not someone who likes to talk about death and what will happen after she goes, so it has been very difficult to get answers out of her as to what her wishes are.  

My mom made a good point in saying that it is already going to be a tough time if a situation arises when a DNR would be necessary, and having the pressure to make the decision for another person is far too emotional and stressful for her.

Also, what if you made that decision for someone, and then spent forever wondering if you had made the right choice?

If everyone could at least have a simple conversation with the people close to them to let their wishes be known, it could be so much less heartache at a time that is filled with enough of it already.

Most people I know don't like to talk about death...hell, I don't like to talk about it!

But I am going to sit down and have the conversation anyway.

I'm young (ish), but anything can happen, and it would bring me a sense of peace to know that my family had no question about my wishes.

Nonny and my mother are going to have the hospital take care of all of the paperwork before she is discharged.  

I encourage everyone to look at the site below, or at least have a conversation about this with their loved ones.

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289

Breathe

Ken Goodman | Stress Free — Guided Exercises and Meditations for Total Relaxation | CD Baby

For the 'breathe' part of my New Year's resolution, I am going to focus on relaxation, meditation, and self hypnosis exercises from the CDs I have from my therapist.
He has helped me help myself through some very difficult times over the past few years, and I think that is the key to why it has actually worked for me.
He has taught me tools that I can implement myself when I need to.
I used to see him weekly, now it is every few months or so, or if I am having a particularly hard time.
He reminds me of some of the tools I may have forgotten about, and gets me back on track again.
When I first started seeing him, I was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks out of the blue, and it was very much affecting my quality of life.

He suggested the above CD, and I was willing to try.
It took a lot of practice and patience to be able to slip into the exercises easily, just as it would with physical exercises.
My mind would wander, and I would have to redirect my thoughts.
I would easily be distracted by things or sounds around me.
But he told me, and tells you on the CD, to just keep doing it, keep practicing.
So I did.
And before I knew it, I could finally relax.
I could calm myself if I felt anxious.
I could fall asleep instead of tossing and turning all night.
My life was changing. I was in control.
Now it is a few years later, and while I still do the exercises from time to time, I know that I am not getting the most out of it.
I need to do it daily, to take the time out for myself to breathe, tune out the rest of the world, and just be.
The wonderful thing about this particular CD is that there are several different types of exercises, with explanations and instructions for each of them.
Some of them are fairly short, for when I need "a quick burst of relaxation", and some of them are longer, for those times when I can really take a chunk of time to work on myself.

I am to the point now where I can tell exactly which one I need when I am feeling a certain way.


I am ready to make me a priority and do these meditation and relaxation exercises daily.

Tri-Tip

I made a great dinner tonight, if I do say so myself...and I do.

I had purchased a tri-tip roast, and I marinated it last night in soy sauce, a little red wine, salt, pepper, a bay leaf, rosemary, and minced garlic.  I did add a tiny bit of vegetable oil to it as well, but a very minimal amount because I knew the roast had some fat on it.

Tonight I let it sit out of the fridge for a bit, then cranked the oven to 425 and popped it in for about 20 minutes.  It got a very nice sear on it by then, so I covered it at that point and turned the oven down to 350.  

It cooked for another 20 minutes or so, until it was 135 inside.  

I removed it from the oven, tented it with foil, and let it sit so the juices would redistribute.

We had baked up some potatoes with it, and I roasted Brussels sprouts with olive oil and salt and pepper.  

It was a good hearty meat and potatoes non-processed meal, and it was actually not that difficult to throw together.

(The best part was...Pat did the dishes!)

Breakfast for Dinner

One of the small pleasures in life...breakfast for dinner.
What is it about the fluffy pancakes dripping with sweet amber syrup, meaty, salty sausage links, and an ice cold glass of milk at dinnertime that makes it so special?
I don't know the answer, I just know that it was freaking yummy.

Otis Redding - Try A Little Tenderness

I can't stop listening to this song for the past few days. His voice, the words, just love it. 
(I will admit, it also reminds me of the scene in Pretty in Pink when Duckie comes into the record shop and does this amazing lip sync and dance to it, and I pretty much fell in love with that character because of it)

Sleepy

I have absolutely nothing exciting to write about at the moment except that I am very sleepy.
I have been getting like this every day around this time, almost to the point that I can't keep my eyes open.
I don't know if it is a sugar thing, or my bizarre nighttime sleep habits lately, but it is annoying.

Celestial Fireworks

I watched the meteor shower the other night.

It began around 2:30 am, and I had to wait a long time before I saw any of them.  

Just sat and stared into the darkness, dotted with the brilliant twinkle twinkles from the little stars.

I love that feeling of looking up at the sky, being swallowed by the enormity and complexity of it all, putting into perspective all of the petty little blah blah blahs of my normal blah blah day.  

The night was quiet, and breezy, and perfect.

After a while, I started seeing streaks of light across the sky...celestial fireworks...and it was quite exhilarating and beautiful.

I sat and watched until the winds picked up and chilled me, and my neck began to cramp from looking upward.

And as I slipped into bed at 5 am with a smile on my lips, I was grateful for the reminder that the universe is so much larger than my blahs.
That there is beauty, and light, and brilliance out there all the time.
I just have to wait and watch sometimes...
and maybe even catch a chill, or cramp my neck in the process.

Sensitive

I am a very sensitive individual.

Most would say, and many close to me have said, too sensitive.

I know this.

Have known this for a long, long time.

But does this make me weak?

I somehow relate my oversensitivity to weakness, because I feel like if I were stronger and toughened up I wouldn't get hurt as much...but would I still love as hard?  

Feel as much passion about the things that I do?

Care about my patients, family, friends?

Would I still be me?

Is there a happy medium I can find, where I can still be me, but just not let things affect me negatively like they do sometimes?

Chips Ahoy

Have you ever felt like all you needed was for someone to wrap their arms around you & tell you everything is going to be okay?
I seem to be surrounded by a giant magnification mirror pointing out all of my flaws...the things I know very well are there but try not to dwell on.

And I wonder why I turn to food for comfort.  I don't drink (anymore), I don't smoke (anymore), but damnit a bag of Chips Ahoy cookies will always be there to comfort me when I am at my lowest.  The feeling may not last long, and is usually followed by guilt and disgust with myself for the hundreds of calories I consumed in like five seconds, but I do it anyway because it is a quick fix.   And then I get into a cycle of beating myself up for eating them, mix that with the other stresses of life, and the need for comfort starts all over again.

Food for thought.

We are now mobile!

I just downloaded the app to my EVO, & since it is apparently surgically attached to my hand, I have no excuses!

Write. Breathe. Move.

These are my words for 2012. 

The writing part is as vital to me as the breathing and moving.  And by moving I mean movement of body, mind, and soul. 

I have been dormant for way too long.